i've never felt so confused and alone.  as the question goes, would you rather have only a few friends, but close friends?  or would you rather know a lot of people and be popular, but are not so close to anyone?  (something along those words...)  i feel like i traded in my few close friends to know a lot of people that are not close to me at all now.  so now i am left with ... nothing? 

i feel like i continue living here in nj because i am "comfortable" with things...yet my heart is with my family back home in boston.  i think it is obvious what i need to do...once i hit my one year mark of working at ehmc...at the same time, i feel like i am growing at ehmc and finally made a name there for myself as a nurse..i am respected and loved by many and hated/envied by a few...i know that i can easily get that employee of the month in a matter of time...the ceo of the hospital already wrote me a good recommendation letter thanks to one of my patient's family member who wrote my ceo a good letter about me...ionno, in terms of ania..obviously i trust my family back in boston with her more than anyone else...when vernons mom takes care of ania...its whatever because she already has 3 other kids which are ania's cousins to watch...and i dont even feel like i have a good relationship with vernons parents, esp his dad bc he always gives me a hard time bc he only sees me once in a blue and therefore, when i do see him its like this annoying lecture i have to fuckin endure bc i dont talk to him more often...it gets old and annoying so because he acts like that i come around even less!  coupled with the fact that to this day he doesnt want me calling him "mr mcdonald" and doesn't want me calling him by his first name "mac" but i refuse to call  him "dad" because i dont even call my own dad "dad" and i just am not cool with him like that to call him any form of dad!  also..TWO years in a row now i bought alllll of vernons family fuckin christmas presents and bday presents and TWO years in a row now i havent received shit.  its ironic that we also live 2 minutes away from each other.  they suck!!!!!!!  the 1 year and a half that i lived at their house was the worse 1 year and a half in my life.  not once did i grow more comfortable in that house to have it feel like home at all.  i was uncomfortable in my own skin at that house...fakeness dont sit well with me...i feel like i need to move far far away from them!

on a serious note...not that this entry so far isnt serious, but i received an important letter yesterday from the hospital saying that my ultrasound in january on my breasts indicated that a fine needle aspiration aka a biopsy is recommended.  the letter was so important that my mailman kept ringing my doorbell and had me sign the certified mail that i actually received the letter.  i thought i was going to get a package or something but nope.  its just fucking bullshit to me because when they did the breast exam and ultrasound on me in january, and the nurse practitioner examined me, then had a second opinion, dr sanchez examine me..they said everything was fine and i didnt need a biopsy.  i KNEW that dr sanchez was no good bc all he could talk about was he wouldnt worry if he was me bc i was soo young and i have such dense breasts, but if i was 60, then he would worry more.  but thats fuckin bullshit bc just bc im young doesnt mean i dont have a chance of getting breast cancer!?  plus just bc i have big breasts doesnt mean he cant examine me more thoroughly to find the lump versus the tissue breast??  wtf.  and the most bullshit point of this whole thing is that if the ultrasound had indicated i needed a biopsy, why the fuck wouldnt they had just done it right then & there!?  at the time they told me everything was fine from the u/s.  3 months later i get a letter, a fuckin letter, saying i need a biopsy.  nice!  my mom still has no idea what is going on with me yet because i just know she will start freaking out and getting emotional, and nothing yet is determined.  she has always been afraid for me ever since she got ovarian cancer.  i know im at high risk because im her immediate offspring and everything...so i do need to enter the breast care center high risk program...*sigh* i hope everythings okay.  its weird but it doesnt hurt as much to think about me dying than it hurts about thinking my close family being hurt if i die aka ania growing up without a mom or how hurt my parents and brother will be.....the thought of dying only hurts me when i think about how sad it will make my family..

anyway, i am sitting here in my towel b/c i justr showered.  it is fucking 80 degrees out today, beautiful weather, and i havent even stepped foot outside yet.  i got into a little altercation with vernon about 45 minutes ago.  it gets really annoying to just live in this apartment because of the messiness sometimes and how desperate i feel being here!!!!  and of course me and vernon start bitching at each other...we were going to go to the park near our house with ania, the 3 of us but i got so upset i just broke down and told him to just go with ania without me.  i just got so upset about everything and my whole living situation how i am not fully happy.  i think...i am homesick for boston....anyway, it sucks but now i have to get changed and go to fucking work on this beautiful saturday.  the mu world is at the mu/que/lsu bbq at montclair...and vernon & ania are at the park...and i will be at work. 

great.